I Had a Dream : The Best Shared Office Space EVER

I had a dream last night … I was in a huge Victorian house filled with people, some lived there and some of us were there in an “shared workspace” kind of vibe. I had my computer set up and was working away on my next book, an alien vampire crime thing with a monstrous bad guy modeled after serial killers of the past. I remember Googling “how much Ricin does it take to kill a bear...a whale?” and “what is the cheapest form of heroin?” 

I could hear Jason Mantzoukas, John Mulaney, and Andrea Savage playing hacky sack in the other room and listening to Maluma, their laughter filling the halls. 

This all makes sense as I was indeed working on my book yesterday, listening to Maluma, and rarely does a day go by that my teens and I don’t make references to either Big Mouth or I’m Sorry so those dudes are floating around in my background software more than is probably normal. 

Petunia walked up to my desk, sitting politely and looking up at me for a treat. I gave her a greenie from the jar and she headed off to hide it in a corner somewhere. 

This is a daily routine with my frenchie, Fiona, so this one makes sense too. Also Petunia is adorable and DOGS.

Suddenly I looked up and Jon Hamm was posed in my doorway dressed in head to toe linen like he was on a Caribbean vacation. I paused, taking in the view, then he pulled me from my chair and started dancing with me. 

Again, this makes sense as one of the main characters in my new pilot script is written for (or inspired by if he turns it down, haha) Jon, and it takes place in Hawaii. Plus, as I’m sure you are all well aware, Jon Hamm is a sexy beast and literally no one would say no to dancing with him under any circumstance, whether logical or not. 

Just as our slow dancing got closer and closer, our faces about an inch apart, I could feel his breath on my lips and … Amy Schumer ran in like a Tasmanian Devil and plugged a flash drive into my computer.  

“Aha!” She screamed.

I should mention she was wearing huge gold rimmed Jeffrey Dahmeresque glasses and was dressed in a Punky Brewster fashion, complete with rainbow knee high socks and 70’s shorty shorts. 

I turned to her, both shocked at her whole situation and irritated she crushed my shot at smooching Jon Hamm. 

“Amy! Goddammit!” I screamed. 

She pulled the drive from my computer and ran like Usain Bolt from the room. I turned to Jon and he said, “Don’t worry, I’ll wait for you.” Always the gentleman, that Hamm. I sighed longingly, but had to catch her as she had some sort of something very important and precious from my computer. 

As an observer in my dream I was trying to tell myself that there was nothing that important, interesting, or classified on my computer and making out with a linen clad and tanned Hamm should be my top priority...but dream me was dead set on catching Amy.  

“You won’t get away with this!” I yelled as I chased her down the hall and out into the street. 

As we turned the corner I saw Fortune Feimster doing an ice cream dance (watched her Netflix special last night, so again this makes sense) and she hollered “Hey girl, put your skates on!”

Suddenly I was roller skating down the street and easily caught Amy, tackling her onto a patch of soft green grass. 

Observer me is thankful for this because as a woman over 40 the idea of falling off speeding skates onto concrete is terrifying. 

When I rolled Amy over and took the bright orange drive from her hand she laughed hysterically and said, “did it work?”

Puzzled, I looked at her, both her arms pinned and my face inches from hers. 

“Did Jon try to kiss you?” she whispered. 

“Yes,” I spat at her, totally annoyed. “And you ruined it!”

“No, you have it wrong. He told me he was on the fence about kissing you because he didn’t know if you could run fast, and now he does!”

Side note - I don’t run fast. In fact, I don’t run. Ever. So if that’s his criteria for having a hot love affair with me I guess it’s not going to work out. Sad. 

Amy sat up and high fived me, handing me a packet of seaweed snacks and a Zevia Black Cherry soda for no apparent reason.  

“Go get him!” she said, giving me a hearty thumbs up. 

I walked back (no idea where my skates went), wondering how vampires metabolize narcotics and what grandparents in Hawaii call their grandkids. I opened the door to the house, the sounds of Tribe Called Quest filling the air. I looked to the right to see Andrea trying to teach Mulaney and Mantzoukas how to Zumba, then to the left to find Hamm, surrounded by candlelight and holding two Mai Tais. I smiled, walked toward him, and … 

My alarm went off. Shit.