Love Actually Was Almost an Action Thriller

I recently attended an estate sale I found advertised on Craigslist and in one of the back bedrooms of this palatial and sadly run-down mansion, I found a cardboard box labeled “Purgatory” and was instantly intrigued. I opened the lid and inside sat a stack of dusty scripts, the first one titled Love Actually: The Hellscape That Could Have Been.

As a fan of Richard Curtis’s writing and films, I bought the box without hesitation and ran home to dig into the infinite possibilities within. I was blown away by the adrenaline-packed darkness the words contained, and am thrilled with the alternate ending he gave one of my favorite storylines.

After Emma Thompson’s character, Karen, opens the disappointing Joni Mitchell CD and excuses herself to the bedroom, she makes a tearful call to her older brother, the Prime Minister (David).

“He’s made a fool of me, he’s made the life I lead foolish.”

“Leave it with me,” David responds as he clenches his jaw.

She hangs up the phone and we cut to David walking down Harris Street on his search for Natalie, knocking on every door with the same jolly personality he possesses in the original…until he knocks on Mia’s door.

“Does Natalie live here?” He asks with a deepening seriousness.

“No, she lives next door…aren’t you?” she asks perkily.

“Your worst nightmare, yes, yes I am.” He pushes his way into the apartment with his security guard and the door slams behind him.

Meanwhile, at the school, Daniel (Liam Neeson) and Sam arrive for the big Christmas concert. Daniel walks with intent, a loving stepfather on the outside, and a vengeful best friend of Karen on the inside.

I mean, it’s Liam Neeson. He’s coming for you, Harry.

After collecting Natalie and her family, the Prime Minister heads to the holiday performance with two extra security guards and a second car in tow. He looks across the parking lot and makes eye contact with Daniel, the two sharing a knowing look.

When Karen meets David backstage and feigns surprise the two share a moment amidst the pleasantries. A single tear streams from her eye as she nods and heads off with the kids.

The show proceeds as it does in the original version, yet during the commotion of the Prime Minister and Natalie being caught red-handed on stage, Daniel asks Harry if he can step outside with him for a moment.

Here we get our dynamic action hero emerging in the empty parking lot as he slams Harry into a car and whispers into his face at close range, “You had everything, and now you have nothing. Take a moment to feel that, knowing that every time you replay this night in your head it will always end with me reminding you of what a pathetic disappointment you are.”

Suddenly Harry is snatched away by two of the Prime Minister’s security detail, his hands zip-tied before he is pushed into a trunk.

Daniel and Sam rush to the airport to meet Joanna (Sam’s talented crush) at the gate, the Prime Minister slides into his original car with Natalie. As the black government automobile containing Harry begins speeding down the road, David smiles at Natalie and kisses her tenderly.

In a mysterious empty room, Harry and Mia sit side by side in folding chairs as hoods are forcibly ripped from their heads. Rufus, (aka Mr. Bean, aka Rowan Atkinson) stands before them, a looming presence they did not expect. Harry seems confused as he recognizes the jewelry salesman and the reality of what he has done hits him. He tries to explain himself but Rufus simply holds up a single finger and shakes his head while showing them two new US passports, as well as a folder that says, “Moving to Florida, What You Need to Know!”

We cut to the commotion of Sam running through the terminal (which is actually a perfect distraction) then back to Harry and Mia as they are forcibly escorted to their gate. Both wear frumpy and poorly-fitted outfits, and an officer posing as Harry’s elderly father accompanies them. With the terminal focused on Sam, Daniel walks up behind Harry and whispers in his ear.

“Think of me often, let me haunt your dreams. Merry Christmas.”

Harry does not turn around but enters the plane with Mia and stares longingly out the window from his seat as the flight crew begins their announcements. Children and families joyfully sing Christmas songs around him, yet he sits as a lonely beige lump whose life as he knew it is over.

In the end, with each member of the cast meeting someone at the airport, we land on Karen standing in the crowd with her children. They all look at the arrivals door expectantly, and the audience is left collectively wondering if Harry is returning from his banishment in Florida. Instead, a tall, handsome man pauses in the doorway to look in her direction and smile. It’s Jack, a man she’s been dating for the last month (played by Benedict Cumberbatch, clearly). The two embrace and the children excitedly chat with him as they disappear into the crowd.

The camera moves back and forth between people embracing in the airport, joy and love all around. We then cut to see Mia and Harry, standing in the barren front yard of a crumbling home. A dripping hose drapes from Harry’s hand as he vacantly waters a dying plant, while Mia looks into the distance wearing a tube top and cut-off shorts while smoking a cigarette.

Fade to black.

Now that’s a happy ending. Happy holidays, Karen!