I Wrote Some Reductress Headlines Because Why Not

How long have we been inside now?

I absolutely LOVE Reductress. Period poop (as the kids would say). So I decided to write a love letter to them and create my own headlines because after a few glasses of wine I think I’m pretty clever. Enjoy!

• This mom secretly wishes everyone posting their super cute homeschool setups on Instagram would fall off a collective bridge.

• COVID update : This woman is going to lose it the next time her husband reenacts last night’s Rachel Maddow episode from the toilet. 

• Oh no! This girl went outside and high fived the UPS guy!

• Local woman would like to thank Forensic Files for teaching her exactly what a ball-peen hammer is for. 

• Husband wonders “why does that woman who makes me food talk so much.”

• Bi-curious woman doesn’t understand that she has to touch a vagina too. 

• Straight woman tweets @glaad : I want to have sex with one of the men from Queer Eye, does that make me pansexual? #openminded

• Very tired mom wonders why corn chips and wine aren’t considered a healthy bedtime snack for preschoolers.

• Breaking news : “Straight white men have feelings too,” according to your asshole neighbor who is currently yelling at your Love Is Love yard sign. 

• Heads up : Turns out scented candles DO make you hotter. 

• Mom over 40 wonders how many Timothée Chalamet stickers on her Hydroflask are too many. 

• Breaking News : Working out from home won’t get you a beach body, especially if you don’t do it.