I’m a data scientist who attempted to write a Scientific American article on Pedro Pascal, but I was unable to keep it together while being in the same room with him and this is what happened instead.
Photo taken before I acted like a total dork and ruined everything
MK: Hi, Mr. Pascal, it’s really nice to finally meet you. Wow, you smell delicious.
Shaking hands for just a little bit too long while I note how soft and warm his hands are
PP: Oh, thank you. Nice to meet you too. Please call me Pedro.
We both sit down across from each other and I try not to miss the chair
MK: Yes, sir.
I salute him for no good reason and immediately regret it, he jokingly salutes me back
PP: Should I call you Captain?
He laughs, adorably.
MK: You can literally call me anything you want.
I wink, but why?
PP: You got it, Captain.
He winks back in jest. Is it warm in here?
MK: Let’s start with The Mandalorian since the new season premiered this week. It seems the DaddyLorian has taken over people’s brains in an unexpected way. You have really nice lips.
PP: That’s not a question, but thank you.
MK: Sorry, let’s get back on track. What do you think it is about the Mandalorian costume that has people in the adult cosplay industry working overtime?
PP: I’d have to guess it’s the helmet, something about the mysterious nature of it.
MK: Did they happen to let you take one home with you?
PP: A mask? Sadly, no.
MK: Is that something you think we could get our hands on for, say, some photos I’d like to take? I have some vision boards I’d love to run by you later. Maybe over drinks?
PP: Uh, ok? I can make a call later.
MK: Moving on to The Last of Us, what do you think it is about Joel Miller, specifically, that has made the entire world sexually aroused…I mean, more lustful toward you as a human?
PP: It’s hard to say but someone recently told me it’s because he’s hypermasculine in a traditional way, you know, stoic, an outdoorsman with survivalist energy…
MK: Plus he has those sexy lines around his eyes from smiling in the sun.
PP: Sure.
MK: Many are wondering, have you been slowly plotting to take over the world with this role, or did it happen by accident?
PP: Laughing in that adorable way he does. It definitely was not on purpose, and I think you may overestimate my skill set.
MK: We can test that.
PP: Excuse me?
MK: Your “skillset,” we have scientific ways to test that. I have a setup at home, we can do it after this if you want to knock it out tonight.
PP: Well, I, uh…
MK: I jest! I mean we can, but only if you are free. Sorry, I keep getting distracted by your deeply sensual eyes. Next question. People’s desire to have a threesome with you and Oscar Isaac increased dramatically after your Wired interview. Have you both been plotting to create a sexually confusing narrative intentionally, and also would you both like to take a shower with me this weekend?
PP: I’m not sure which question to answer first.
MK: I think we both know.
There is an awkward silence.
MK: Can you explain the difference between a Daddy and a Zaddy?
He chuckles and pretends to be embarrassed but we both know he loves it because he licks his lips and I almost lose consciousness.
PP: Well, apparently a Daddy is an attractive older man, and a Zaddy is a man "with swag" who is attractive and also fashionable. I guess it has less to do with age and more with attitude, but I still don’t fully understand it.
MK: Which is sexier when whispered?
PP: I’m sorry?
MK: Do you prefer hearing Daddy or Zaddy whispered into your perspiration-soaked neck by candlelight?
PP: I’ve literally never thought about it.
MK: Well, the largest sexual organ lies between your ears, so I’ll add it to the list of research topics.
PP: Sure.
He massages the arm of the chair with his fingertips and I suddenly need a sip of water.
MK: Almost done here, thanks again for your time. I’d like to run my fingers through your hair.
He just smiles, and for one brief moment, I think we may need to get a room. Oh, wait, no he’s definitely scared of me.
MK: Last question. One theory is that the “edits” of you on TikTok cause a rush of dopamine and endorphins while someone is watching them that releases a similar feeling to winning the lottery. Do you think this is why every night I dream of you spooning me while we watch Return of the Jedi?
PP: I don’t know, I mean…
MK: I’m the little spoon in this scenario.
PP: Yes, I could have guessed that.
MK: Glad we are on the same page.
I stare at him attempting to flirt but just making things super awkward instead.
PP: Did you have any other questions for me?
MK: So many, but I think we better stop here. Unless you have any questions for me?
PP: Nope I’m good.
Scientific American does not want to be associated with this interaction in any way, and has since distanced itself publicly from my research in the interest of “decency,” whatever that means.