The Last of Us Fan Fiction
Yes, I made an AI version of Pedro and OMG isn’t he hot?
There are lots of things happening around us every day, but the most important one is that Pedro Pascal is taking over the world…and everyone’s brains. It’s almost like HE is the virus we should all fear but instead we welcome him into our bodies with enthusiasm.
Wow, that sounded dirty. I’m not deleting it.
So after watching 1,000,000 Pedro Pascal edits on TikTok I devoted myself to writing a smutty short story about a few missing hours from the first episode of the show. Was Joel with Margot on his birthday? Who knows, but if he was I think I may have figured out what he was doing (wink wink).
I posted it in Kindle format in the event anyone wanted it there, and I’ll post it below here for free because we all deserve a little Joel Miller in our day.
A fierce heat radiated across the bar, a shift in my body noticeable and thrilling. I casually scanned the area, and when his willful gaze hit me our eyes locked and I thought I may fall off my barstool. I had been glued to each and every notification on my phone all day, the news a disturbing evolution of terror and widespread misery. Dipping my toes into the calm vacation of this man’s eyes was the exact distraction I didn’t know I desired so deeply.
It wasn’t uncommon for me to become obsessed with my phone for a period of time before turning it off when the news overwhelmed me. There had been a devastating earthquake overseas, a variety of regional wars, and violent protests spreading across the globe. Now the overwhelming chatter about the new pandemic had my anxiety cranked up to eleven. We had only come out of the COVID lockdown in the last year, many stragglers still holding tight to their masks and fear of the unknown virus we were finally vaccinated against. Most of us were comfortably settling into “normal” life again, while others were obsessively tied to each and every strain as they stockpiled basements with canned goods and firearms.
This new scare was somehow a little creepier and a bit abstract. A few days prior, I had completely freaked myself out by watching a scientist explain exactly what the fungus did to the body once you were infected. I’ll admit, after half a joint and two glasses of wine it was not what I needed to see. The visions my brain fabricated had to be worse than the reality…right?
I hadn’t really slept since. Well, not without Ativan.
Sipping my second whiskey I had calmly pleaded with the bartender to put the TV on mute and play music instead, and thankfully it seemed everyone in the bar was of the same mindset as I was. Nothing to be done so let’s enjoy a night of freedom before we get locked down again. I should have been at Costco stocking up, but being here was what my body wanted. Now it all made sense. I couldn't handle another year in my apartment alone, maybe this captivating stranger could keep me company?
I chuckled to myself, downing the rest of my drink and waving at the bartender for another.
“What’s so funny?” a voice behind me asked.
I turned to see the scruffy stranger had made his way over to me while I was lost in thought. My goodness, he was much better looking up close. His shirt was a bit tattered from a day of work, a thin layer of sawdust coating the simple black tee. Through the woody overtones, I could smell a hint of dryer sheets and Old Spice deodorant which enticed me to move closer.
“May I?” he gestured at the stool beside me.
“Please,” I responded, holding my glass up like we were having a toast, despite him being empty-handed.
He laughed, shaking his head as he slid into the seat.
“What are we drinking?” he asked.
“I’ll give you one guess,” I joked, thinking how it sounded so much smoother in my head than it did outside my mouth.
He nodded, raising a hand to the bartender, pointing at my glass, and making the universal sign for “two of these” with his fingers.
“Are you escaping the news as well?” I asked casually as our drinks arrived.
“Yeah, I am,” he paused and took a sip. “It’s also my birthday so I thought I’d have a drink before the world explodes and we have to return to zoom birthdays and online school.”
There were so many bits of information in that sentence I didn’t know which to tackle first – birthday or kids?
“Happy birthday!” I exclaimed, holding up my glass again. This time we did actually clink glasses and I wasn’t just some drunk weirdo with my glass in the air. “How old are your kids?” I asked checking his hand for a wedding ring.
“Kid,” he responded, “and a teenager at that.”
I nodded, considering how to respond.
“Mom isn’t in the picture,” he tossed out with a smirk, “if that’s what you were wondering.”
I smiled. Yes, sir, I was definitely curious. Wow, my lucky day apparently.
“My name is Joel, and you are…?” He held out his hand, strong and just calloused enough to let me know he wasn’t afraid to get dirty.
“Margot,” I responded, holding onto his hand a little longer than necessary. I inspected his forearm, noting the perfect blend of hair and definition that belonged to a man who was good with his hands but didn’t live at the gym. Nothing to prove. Perfection.
“So, what do you do, Joel?” I asked in a semi-joking fashion as if we were on an actual date, which it seemed we had both pretty much decided was not what was happening.
“Well, Margot, I’m a carpenter,” he smiled back, playing along.
“My goodness, I didn’t realize I was sharing a beverage with Jesus himself,” I joked.
He laughed, tossing his head back slightly to show his amusement before leaning in as if to tell me a secret.
“You may need to be baptized before the evening is over, Margot,” the way he said my name was delicious. “Luckily I have the power to both push you to sin and relieve you of your guilt.”
I realized he was being funny, but damn those words turned into pure sex as they left his lips.
For a few moments, we just looked at each other, the buzz of the bar fading into a low hum as I took in his deep, dark eyes. They seemed endless like I could dive into them and swim forever in a warm pool of comfort. I longed to move my face closer to his, inspecting the infinity of these gorgeous orbs surrounded by thick lashes and suntanned smile lines. I wondered if it would be weird if I asked him to hug me. Come on, Margot, get it together.
The slam of his glass on the bar woke me from my daydream.
“Well,” he smiled as he turned to me, spinning my stool toward him and placing his hands on my knees, “should we get out of here?”
I nodded, my stomach spinning in excitement. I needed to place my hands on this man’s body as soon as humanly possible.
I shot the remainder of my drink down my throat, hissing slightly at the burn but relishing the warmth of it as it seeped into my torso. It felt like the whiskey was blooming into my bloodstream, melting my inhibitions into a light vapor and dispersing them into the evening air.
Joel tossed some cash on the bar and waved at the bartender as he took my hand in his and moved toward the door. The decisiveness of his movements, the boldness with which he held my skin was beyond sexy. I was in awe of him, watching him as if I were an observer and not an active part of his plan.
The whoosh of the door as we exited blew my hair back and ushered in the next act of my evening. The world as it was lay behind me, the possibilities of tonight spreading themselves before me in an exhilarating fashion. Anything seemed possible with my fingers woven inside his.
Once outside he placed my back against the cool bricks and kissed me like I had never been kissed before. I nearly laughed out loud at the cliché of it all, but he truly blew my mind the moment his mouth touched mine. Smooth lips surrounded by shadows of facial hair and hands that gripped my hips in a perfectly respectable way that screamed, “Don’t get too used to this.”
I ran my fingers through his dense waves, the scent of fine white oak shavings emanating from his hair.
The street felt much louder than usual with sirens in the distance and the unnerving scent of burning tires and gasoline floating on the evening breeze. Normally I would have paused my actions to take in my surroundings, but my addiction to this man had already burrowed deep beneath my skin and the outside world faded out of focus.
I separated our lips for a brief moment, just long enough for me to whisper, “I live around the corner.”
Dropping a final kiss on my neck, he took in a deep breath and nodded. I could feel the tightness in his jeans and an electric rush swept from my toes through my chest.
I grabbed his hand and pulled him behind me as I walked briskly toward my apartment, fumbling to get the keys out of my jacket as we approached the security screen to the stairs.
As I worked to unlock the door he pressed himself into me from behind, lifting my hair and nibbling on the back of my neck while his other hand reached around the front of my jeans. His fingertips dipped below the waistband of my pants, and the connection between his skin and my stomach forced me to pause and close my eyes. Finally, the door unlocked and I whipped it open, slamming it behind me as it automatically locked with a loud clang.
Again I was pressed against the wall at the base of the stairs, and Joel reached for my face to kiss me. Our tongues were like old friends, dancing together in perfect sync as our bodies began to explore each other. My hands pushed themselves into the back of his jeans, beneath his boxers, and took his ass in my hands. The skin was smooth and cool, the tips of my fingers gently digging into him as I pulled him into my hips.
Gently biting below my left ear, he whispered into my neck, “We need to get inside. Now.”
I nodded in agreement and turned to sprint up the stairs and down the hallway to my door. Again I fumbled a bit with keys, but I was much quicker this time and within seconds we were inside, door locked, the noise and chaos of the world one barrier further away.
I quickly pulled his black t-shirt over his head as he unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans in record time. As they fell to the floor he reached his hand into the front of my lavender lace panties, his fingers finding their way inside me as I gasped. In a moment of weakness brought on by the ecstasy of his touch, my knees buckled a bit and he caught me with his other arm. He held me up around the waist and his other hand worked me into a near frenzy.
I reached up above his broad shoulders and tangled his thick dark hair between my fingers, tugging slightly as I kissed him deeply.
The moment his hand abandoned its work, I was able to think a bit more clearly, unbuttoning his pants as I kicked off my shoes and stepped out of my jeans, now puddled on the floor with the other abandoned clothing items.
My tank was over my head and my bra was unhooked and lying on top of my pants before I even realized he was doing it.
We were both completely nude, groping and grabbing in the hallway.
“Let’s move to the bedroom,” I whispered in a quick breath between kisses.
“I’m trapped,” he chuckled.
I looked down and realized his jeans were around his ankles, but he had not yet removed his lace-up boots. Damn those shoelaces, I thought.
“Not for long,” I smiled at him as I slowly began descending to untie them for him. I kissed his neck slowly, and each time he reached for me I took his hands and returned them to his side.
I licked his collarbone from his shoulder to the base of his throat, then continued downward.
Taking his nipple gently between my teeth, I heard him pull a deep breath to calm himself. With each gasp or sigh, I slowed a bit with my travels, loving the feeling of driving him to the point of breaking. I had fallen under his spell so quickly, it was pure ecstasy to be the one in control.
Following the path nature laid out for me in toasted chestnut hair, I exhaled on his erection as I slowly passed it, pausing to place my lips mere millimeters from the skin without touching it.
Finally, I bent and began untying his shoes, feeling him fall back onto the wall and exhale. I pulled each boot off his foot as he lifted them for me, then removed his white tube socks as well. I marveled at how even removing his socks was erotic, pulling what was normally the least sexy of clothing items from his skin was a way to find more of his body. More of him was better, and with each inch, I craved another.
I looked up at him from the floor, a sweet yet wanting look in my eyes as I smirked at the sight of him. He was truly glorious, and the view from below was almost too sexy to handle.
“Come here,” he commanded calmly.
“Why don’t you come here,” I coyly flirted.
No sooner had the words left my lips than he was on the floor, lying me flat on the carpet and placing his weight above me. We kissed briefly, then he pulled away, propping himself up on his forearms. We looked into each other’s eyes, a momentary break to appreciate the beauty of what was happening. I felt absolutely gorgeous in his gaze, the slatted light through the blinds cascading perfectly on his stunning face.
Yet no sooner had I begun to appreciate the view, than a mischievous smirk spread across his lips.
“My turn,” he said, kissing my cheek followed by the side of my neck.
Oh no, maybe I shouldn’t have taunted him so much. Or maybe I should have…my goodness this was overwhelming.
Lips and tongue traced their way along my jawline, slowly traveling down my neck and landing at the inner edge of my clavicle. Kissing the tops of each breast, he landed on my right nipple, erect and screaming for his attention.
It began as a simple graze and a peck, then opened into what almost felt like he was french kissing it. My skin chilled with a sigh of goosebumps, and the tingling between my legs became nearly unbearable.
After my right nipple, he spent some time with the left, he clearly didn’t want her to feel neglected. She did not.
His hands were placed intentionally on each side of my torso, as he kissed his way down my stomach and tasted a tiny mouthful of the skin on my hip bone. As he gently sunk his teeth into my skin, I sucked air and sighed as my skin reached for him from within.
Moments later he was continuing his journey due south and landed between my legs with an enthusiastic vigor I had never experienced. Each of his arms reached around me, a leg resting on each of his shoulders, as his fingers reached for and took each of my hands in his.
Joel’s lips and tongue explored me with expert precision, and despite it being our first time together, he touched each and every inch of my body as if he had studied it for years. I moaned loudly, reaching for his head, again taking his hair between the tips of my fingers. His hands moved to just beneath my ass cheeks lifting my hips up ever so slightly and…holy hell, how did he do that? Just as I felt the warm haze of orgasm beginning to travel from my toes up my shin, he pulled back and kissed my inner thigh.
The intensity faded just a tad, the warm wave of completion retreating temporarily. He was not quite ready to release me and it was equally frustrating and intensely sensual.
My eyes were glued shut as I tried desperately to calm myself but I was going out of my mind with desire for this human. I had never needed anyone inside me as fiercely as I wanted him to be, immediately.
Dragging his lips up my body, he took my lips in his and I raised my hips to meet him, eagerly anticipating his entry.
“Do you have a condom?” he whispered.
Ah yes, that. Nothing is quite as much of a mood killer as stopping for protection, but it was definitely important. Not only did we just meet, but with a pandemic on the move we definitely want to be extra careful. I appreciated his restraint, he clearly possessed more than I did.
I both respected him, and wanted to grab him with a forceful inner strength I wasn’t aware I had.
“The drawer,” I pointed to a little dresser by the door. The key bowl jingled as he slid open the drawer, grabbed a condom, slammed it shut, and was back to kissing me in moments flat. I placed my hands on his stubbly cheeks, passionately devouring him while I heard the rip of the wrapper and the fluid motion of his hand as it slid the tiny lubricated sleeve into place.
In a flash, he was inside me and our mouths broke from each other to gasp simultaneously, the relief and satisfaction of being connected nearly enough to make me come on contact.
My hands pulled on his ass, nails digging into the pliable flesh as he rhythmically moved inside my hips. I wrapped my legs around him, tilting my hips up slightly, and within a matter of minutes it was too much.
We both sped up briefly, climaxing simultaneously in what I can only describe as the explosive release of weeks of pent-up stress and emotional exhaustion. If every single one of my neighbors didn’t hear me scream in fierce rapture, I’d be amazed. I didn’t care, I felt glorious.
Joel collapsed on top of me, both of us panting from the high-intensity workout we had just completed. Carefully holding the condom in place, he removed himself from me and rolled onto the carpet beside me. I was covered in perspiration, breathing deeply, and immediately missed his skin connected to mine.
“Jesus,” he whispered from beside me, “here I was worried about this virus trying to kill me.”
We both laughed, and I turned my face to see him gazing at me.
“You know I don’t normally do this,” I began.
“I have a kid at home,” he replied, “so you know I’m not out prowling.”
“I guess we both just needed something,” I smiled and winked.
“I’d say you’re right,” he smirked, rolling over on his side to kiss me gently. I closed my eyes, taking in his scent yet again. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it was the perfect blend of pheromones, hand sanitizer, and pure sex.
Helicopters flew overhead, and someone screamed from the street.
Joel craned his neck as if the sudden howl was of concern.
“The row of bars below gets a little crazy at night, it’s not uncommon for drunk people to shout or throw firecrackers until three or four in the morning sometimes,” I explained. “Would you like some water? Another drink?”
I began to sit up and he gently grabbed my shoulder, pulling me down to kiss him again.
“You are so beautiful,” he said.
My mass of curly hair had most definitely gone into full Troll Doll mode, and I was drenched in sweat, but hearing him say the words tugged at my heartstrings. Was there any chance this wasn’t real? Maybe I had gotten drunker than I remembered and was actually asleep. No matter, at that moment, I wanted to live in the cozy little sex cave for as long as I possibly could.
“Water, please. I’ll need to rehydrate for round two…” he winked as he kissed me again.
I stood up and walked to the kitchen, leaving him on the carpet not six feet from the front door. One hand resting on his stomach, the other behind his head, he was the portrait of relaxed satisfaction.
Passing the living room window I peeked out and noticed the streets were a little more packed than usual. Cars honked incessantly, drivers hanging their heads out the window to yell at the people weaving in and out of traffic recklessly. It was clearly a little more bananas than an average night, but in my post-coital haze, it simply didn’t register as urgent.
I filled the glass at the sink and chugged the entire thing, refilling it for the man sprawled across my foyer carpet. Walking back I looked to the floor, expecting to see him exactly where I had left him, yet he was gone.
“Joel?” I called out.
“In here!” he replied from the bedroom.
I heard the sizzle of my record player needle hitting the vinyl, and Prince’s 1999 album began playing as I turned the corner into my room.
He stood in the doorway between my bedroom and the en suite bathroom in all his nude glory. Leaning in the doorway, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. The effortless manner in which he radiated sex appeal was exhilarating, and every teeny-tiny hair on my body rose to attention as if to salute him.
“How about a shower?” he asked as he shimmied his shoulders a little along with the music.
“Absolutely,” I responded, handing him the glass of water and watching him intently as he drank it. Even the way he hydrated was provocative and enthralling.
Joel set the drink down on the dresser and pulled me in to dance with him. We spun around the room completely nude, laughing and losing ourselves in the music. I had never had a one-night stand quite like this, and I was enjoying the ride with all its twists and turns.
I paused to take a sip of his water and found him staring at me from the entry to the bathroom.
“What?” I asked, smiling coyly.
“No words,” he shook his head, looking me up and down with an eyebrow cocked and a knowing smile on his delicious lips.
I danced past him in the doorway, our bodies brushing against each other briefly before he reached out and lightly slapped my bottom.
“Damn you have a great ass,” he said under his breath.
“Why thank you, sir,” I joked back as I turned on the shower, leaning a little lower and pushing my behind out a little further than necessary to reach the water knobs.
“You better watch yourself, you’ll never make it into that water if you keep it up,” he moved in behind me and I could feel his erection resting gently between my cheeks.
I stood up and leaned back into him, turning my head to the left so I could kiss him over my shoulder.
“Someone needs a shower,” I tossed out, “you are very dirty!” I pulled back the shower curtain and stepped in. The cheese factor was embarrassingly high, but the goofy way he smiled back at me let me know he was here for it.
Joel followed me and we were immediately drawn to each other like magnets in the steam. I turned and placed him beneath the shower head, kissing him as the hot water streamed between our lips.
“I want to wash you,” I whispered, looking into his eyes.
He placed one hand on the wall above his head and hung the other on the curtain rod as he spread his legs ever so slightly and prepared to be lathered up. My shower was so small and awkward, yet this man found a way to drape his body that made the entire space look enticing.
I picked up a bottle of body wash and drizzled a hefty amount into my palm, rubbing my hands together and creating a thick lather. I placed both palms on his upper chest, just above his nipples, and began massaging the foam into his skin. The water was forcefully spraying into his upper back and trickling over his shoulder, forming a waterfall of froth that traced the inner line of his pectoral muscle and followed the trail of hair downward.
I continued massaging the bubbles into his skin, from his chest into his armpits and arms, down the sides of his torso, and reaching behind him to scrub his lower back and below. When my arms reached around for his back, he bent his chin down to kiss me tenderly. I could still taste the whiskey on his tongue, and the smell took me back to our first kiss in the street outside the bar. It felt like a lifetime ago, yet it was just earlier in the evening. Amazing how time loses all meaning in these moments.
Pulling my face back from his, I looked up and began lathering his wavy hair, scrubbing with my fingertips. He leaned his head back into the water and I marveled at the rivers of suds flowing over his closed eyes and down his neck. He used his hands to rinse himself and I took a step back to enjoy the view.
For a few brief moments, it was just a man taking a shower, his eyes closed as his face turned up toward the steaming shower head. Water poured over his face and he ran his hands over his own body ensuring each and every bubble was sent down the drain. After wiping his eyes and running his fingers through his soaking wet mop of hair, he looked down at me and smiled.
He leaned closer to me and said, “I can try to return the favor, but I can’t guarantee my hands will behave themselves.”
Both of his palms were soon wrapped around my hips, pulling me close to him as he kissed me. Water drizzled between our lips as we dove into each other, our bodies a slick and warm tangle of hands and lips.
I kissed along his jawbone, planting a tiny bite on his neck.
“I feel so rude, I haven’t given you a tour of my bedroom yet.” I looked up at him, smiling, with an innocent look and a devious smirk.
“I suggest we remedy that…immediately,” he barely got the words out before he was kissing me again.
He reached behind himself and without missing a beat, shut the water off.
We continued kissing, stepping out of the shower as I fumbled for the towel rack to no avail.
“Hold please,” I smiled up at him, turning to pull two towels out of the basket behind me and handing him one.
I wrapped the towel around myself, but my eyes never left him. Much like watching him in the shower, I had a voyeuristic desire to savor these tiny moments of his body doing normal activities as if I wasn’t there. His toweling off routine was quick and efficient, yet the way his muscles flexed moved was sensual on a level I had never appreciated.
He flipped his hair over, bent at the waist, and twist-wrapped the towel around his head like I did when I was alone and preparing to do a face mask.
“How do I look?” he joked, posing like a runway model.
Despite the silly nature of the gesture, I wanted to tell him he was magnificent. That each and every inch of his body was pure heaven to look at. Not because he was perfect, but because it was him. It was intangible and illogical, but something about every crease and patch of hair on this man made my heart race.
I tugged the towel off his head, laughing, and ran into the bedroom with him following close behind. He grabbed me by the waist and smoothly tossed me onto the bed, where I landed on my back and looked down at him standing at the foot of the bed. Crawling slowly toward me, he was above me in no time and bent to kiss me. I longed for the full weight of his body on mine, and I reached for him.
As the skin of his torso landed on mine, the chill of my damp skin was quickly warmed by his heat. I reached down between his legs to take him in my hand, he was rock hard and shivered ever so slightly when I touched him.
Suddenly he held me and rolled onto his back, so I was on my hands and knees above him. Looking down at his dark eyes, a million ideas flashed through my mind. All the things I wanted to do with this man, do to this man, were screaming from within me. The only question was, which would I choose first?
I kissed him gently on the mouth, then dragged my lips down his torso until my face was above his erection. I exhaled and it seemed to reach for me, aching for my lips to soothe the anticipation it had been battling since the shower.
Slowly, intentionally, I took him in my mouth, moving up and down on the first couple inches only. He began to lift his hips, hoping to go deeper into my mouth, but I held him in place with my hands. I could hear him breathing heavily, groaning, and I imagined the look on his face as he gave into the pleasure of it.
When I knew he couldn’t take it much longer, I began my journey back up his torso. I paused to reach for a condom from the nightstand and we looked into each other’s eyes as I tore the wrapper open with my teeth, tossing it aside and stretching the latex over his substantial and hungry penis. Once in place, I planted one hand on his shoulder and guided him inside me with the other.
A loud moan escaped his lips, and he closed his eyes as I began moving slowly.
I bent slightly backward, taking his balls in my hand and gently massaging them as I rode him. The pace quickened gradually, and he then sat up, taking me around the waist with one arm and propping us up with his other. Sucking on my nipples he angled me perfectly as we accelerated.
Once again, our bodies quickly climaxed together, and we fell into a pile of panting and perspiration.
I lay on top of him, enjoying the last few spasms of him within me as I took a deep inhale of the scent dancing above the skin of his neck.
This moment was magic. It was everything.
Face to face, I brushed the damp hair from his forehead and kissed him delicately. I reached down and carefully removed him from inside me, instantly missing being connected with him. I rolled to lie beside him and he wrapped me in his arms.
The ceiling fan slowly spun, I didn’t remember turning it on and wondered if it was spinning from the heat on the bed. The blades moved so slowly it was as if I had turned it off and the last bits of electricity were leaving as it drifted to sleep.
We both watched it, staring at the plaster between us and the stars, and feeling contentment in the moment.
If I had known what was to follow I would have relished this flash of time a bit longer, held him a little tighter, and said things I later regretted not uttering. Instead, I just let him hold me, smiled, and wondered if there was a world where Joel and I were together forever.
A loud boom shook the room and woke us both from our slumber. We had fallen asleep tangled up together, and the vibration of the walls shaking had us both jumping up off the bed before we even knew what we were doing.
Joel ran out to the front room and looked out the window as I grabbed my underwear and threw my tank top on.
“It’s crazy out there. Is it always like this?” he asked, a bit of concern washing over his face.
“No, this is a little extra, but with everything in the news maybe people are unnecessarily fired up?”
I sat on the couch and flipped the tv on, the same madness I was escaping earlier continuing to play out. Rioting, protests, reports of a new street drug causing mayhem in unexpected ways...I lowered the volume as Joel sat beside me on the couch after pulling his boxers on.
“It’s really late, I was supposed to be home hours ago,” he said with an apologetic look on his face.
“I get it,” I replied, smiling.
He leaned in and kissed me, his hand gently cradling my cheek as he did.
A phone buzzed on the floor from inside his pants pocket.
“I should check that, it may be my daughter,” he whispered into my lips.
“Of course,” I kissed him one last time.
He returned to the couch with his clothes, pulling them on and kissing me between each item. T-shirt over the head, lean down for a kiss. Jeans in place, lie on top of me for a brief moment as I reach inside the back of them, searching for the skin I already missed desperately.
Two steps forward, one step backward. Needless to say, it took quite a bit of time for him to be fully dressed and ready to walk out the door.
I pulled on a pair of loose sweatpants and wrapped my curls in a scrunchie as I walked him to the door.
“Happy birthday,” I said as I took him into my arms and kissed him.
His phone buzzed again, and the urgency to leave returned.
“I gotta go,” he apologized.
“Give me your phone,” I held out my hand.
I added my phone number and sent myself a text, flipping the screen to show him what I had done before I slipped it back into his pocket.
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said with confidence. I believed him, because in that perfect flash in time, I knew it was true.
“I can’t wait,” I replied.
Joel descended the steps and looked back from the bottom, smiling and tipping his chin to me one last time.
This was the last time I saw him, the image of his final smile burned into my mind. I dream of him, long for his embrace, and wonder if I will ever see him again. Every time I see someone with his body type or hair my breath catches in my chest, always released by the realization that it is not Joel.
The world is a different place now. Joy, comfort, and passion are distant memories. Yet when I sleep he comes to me, and for tiny chunks of time, it is just he and I in our bubble.
We are older now, those of us who made it, and I smile at the idea of those dark brown waves peppered with grey. I would have loved to see them slowly emerge, the smile lines around his eyes deepening a bit with each summer’s sun.
For one amazing night, he was mine, the world outside crumbling around us. Each and every time I look up at the sky, whether it be day or night, I like to imagine him under the same clouds and stars.
I hope one day we can look up again together, cool grass on our backs as we silently hold hands and remember an evening when life was effortless.